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November 2, 2012

Google Trends: Khloe Kardashian, Mitch Lucker, Movember, Camilla Belle, Chipotle

These are the hottest trends in the United States, according to Google Trends. This is what people want to know about. It’s what they care about. I have just poured half a bottle of wine into a mason jar and decided I’m going to find out why these search terms are the hottest.

Khloe Kardashian:

I couldn’t find anything except for her show “Keeping up with the Kardashians”, and I watched an episode of it. I couldn’t figure out why anyone would watch it. Dont’ get me wrong, I couldn’t figure out why anyone would watch Oprah, but after a few episodes, I was hooked. This Kardashian show is exactly that – a Kardashian show. It breaks my heart. If I had a closet full of shoes, one of the following two situations would be in play:

  1. If I had a closet full of shoes, it’s likely I’d have enough money to have room full of cheap guitars, in which case I’d have a room full of guitars instead of a closet full of shoes.
  2. If I had a closet full of shoes, I might ask myself why I had a closet full of shoes, and depending on the answer I’d either a) hang myself in a public bathroom or b) go on an all-night drinking binge and end up naked under the street lights at Campus Martius.

I don’t get it. I mean, I get it. Khloe Kardashian has a hot sister and a clothing line.

Mitch Lucker:

Lead singer of Suicide Silence, died while riding his motorcycle last night. It was a death metal band. There isn’t any irony here, just a sad ending for a 28 year-old man. Some assholes might make a joke right now, but if this is what America is googling, then so be it.

Movember:

Here is the “about us” section on their webpage:

During November each year, Movember is responsible for the sprouting of moustaches on thousands of men’s faces, in the US and around the world. With their Mo’s, these men raise vital awareness and funds for men’s health issues, specifically prostate and testicular cancer initiatives.

I have a mustache all year so this didn’t register with me. Plus, I thought womens’ issues were far more important. They are anyway. If I get testicular cancer and lose a ball, it wouldn’t be nearly as bad as loosing a boob if I were a woman. Plus, there’s the fact that men ignored women and their issues for about two thousand years (at least recorded history).

American culture: grow facial hair so people will be aware of ball cancer.

Seems like it should be much easier than that.

Camilla Belle:

Ms. Belle is an actress I have seen in a couple of movies – movies I cannot remember the names of. The only reason she is a top google trend is because of Tim Tebow. The only reason Tim Tebow was a google trend was because he was a shitty quarterback who all of a sudden became good. Or, it was his team that was good? Or, neither of them were good and they all got lucky. Who cares.

Chipotle:

Once again a corporation has a stupid gimmick to raise awareness for things Americans might already be aware of if they weren’t sipping fluoride water, sucking every last piece of meat from a KFC bone, and watching reality TV.

So there you have it – the hottest trends on Google on this day of our Lord, November 2nd, 2012.

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