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December 28, 2011

Welcome to United States. Side Effects Include:

Drowsiness, diarrhea, vomiting, dry-mouth, fatigue, dizziness, UFO sightings, stomach pains, circus visions, coma, alcoholism, sudden interest in pop-culture, looking at cups of water,  upper-leg soreness, abdominal pain, potlucks, mild to moderate amnesia, hypertension, belief in immortality, night-visions (including the appearance of mythological/historical characters such as Thor, Richard Pryor, George Washington and the Loch Ness Monster), dehydration, nausea, sudden onset of sleep-apnea, headache, autism, feelings of dissatisfaction,  extended internal dialogue (such as entire games of trivial pursuit being played out by fictional characters with names like Gloria, Luke and Eduardo), lack of concentration, constipation, visions of drowned rats, diaper-rash, food poisoning, being put inside a trash can and rolled down a hill, insomnia, general discomfort, apathy, shortness of breath, increased desire for Cheetos®, tooth-decay, Rotary-Club meetings, paranoia, gassy or oily discharge, impotence, panic-attacks, sore gums, immobility, alien abduction, seclusion, the feeling that “everyone is out to get me”, snakebite, avalanche, blurred vision, the chills, muscle soreness.

Other, less frequently occurring side effects include: sudden death, muscle cramping, chapped lips, sunken eyes, moderate to total memory loss, decapitation.

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