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November 26, 2012

Google Trends – FedEx, Jenny Johnson, Swine Flu

Google Trends

These are the hottest trends in the United States, according to Google Trends. This is what people want to know about. It’s what they care about. The Holiday season is upon us, and this is what people are googling before they bake pies and hang garlands and buy gifts to show their loved ones how much they love them instead of saying it.

FedEx:

Apparently, a lot of shipping is going on. That is wonderful. It means people are buying gifts online as a result of Cyber Monday, the third consumerist holiday in a span of four days, though, there’s nothing wrong with Local Saturday, or whatever they’re calling it. You should indeed buy things from local stores, if you have any left.

Here is an interesting piece of information for those of you living under a rock: Federal Express is not part of the federal government. Ironically, they are far more capable and experienced than our taxpayer-funded U.S. Postal Service, or as many of you know it, mail.

FedEx is currently a hot Google trend for all the wrong reasons, unfortunately.

  1. No one trusts the mail anymore. The first thing I think of when I think of the USPS is a crowded room of ebay sellers and an angry, middle-aged black woman standing behind a weight and a counter. She has a right to be angry. So do you. The mail keeps losing my shit. They keep raising the price to send a letter. The positive thing about the USPS is that their featured stamp series often exposes Americans to fine art they’d otherwise never see. Last year, I think I bought a Rauschenberg stamp.
  2. Cyber Monday: It’s likely Small Business Saturday is hugely overshadowed by the following Monday because it gives fat, lazy, undereducated Americans an excuse to sit in front of their computers and purchase frivolous bullshit for an entire day, without feeling bad about it.
  3. Laziness: rather than type ‘www.fedex.com’ into their URL bar, Americans would rather Google it. Luckily for them, Google’s team of data analysts (I know because I was one of them) will decode “Feesds, fendsz, feendz, fdez, fedecks, feddex, fex, FEDX,” and many other misspellings so you’ll be taken directly to the proper search result.

Jenny Johnson:

Here is the reason for her Google Trends stardom: Chris Brown Or Jenny Johnson: Who Do You Support In Twitter War? Yes. It’s because she started a fight with the woman-beater Chris Brown (who ironically still receives a lot of media attention). They tweeted obscenities to each other. That’s it.

Writing these articles breaks my heart. It truly does. I’m not getting a lot of traffic to my website for it. I do it as an exercise. I want to observe the painstaking futility of mankind, and express my shame to you. This feud exemplifies America: millions of idiots engaging in idolatry over inconsequential, bumbling, mouth-breathing tools.

Swine Flu:

I thought we were through with this. Yes it’s influenza, but you don’t get it by having sex with a sow or eating bacon. Funny aside, here’s another thing for Americans to overreact to, and run out for a vaccination.

Americans have a knack for resorting to hysteria and anxiety when another sickness comes around. I had the swine flu in 2010, and it was essentially “the flu.” I was terribly sick for three days, then it went away. It was a particularly bad strain, though. I recall mumbling to myself on the kitchen floor about a proper golf swing. I don’t watch golf, nor have I ever played it.

Stop acting like the world is ending. We’ll know when it is. In the meantime, turn your TV off, get a glass of mineral water, and watch the fucking sun rise with someone you care about.

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